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[reachnotflexibility]

 "You've reached Garrus Vakarian. Leave your name and number and I'll call you back when I can."

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[captain_by_the_book]

i hate vodka

it tastes like socks

drunk text yessss

[reachnotflexibility]

[ That's... what? Garrus isn't sure what's prompted this, but he's just going to run with it because there must be some importance to this, right? ]

I wouldn't know since I can't have it, so I'll take your word on it.

Why's you get it if you don't like it?

[captain_by_the_book]

I got it for free

nice man bought me a bottle

it looks like water
waters good for you

[reachnotflexibility]

[That's...]

You mean you don't know what vodka is? Even I know it's not water, and I can't even drink the stuff.

[There's a delay, and then a second message pops up.]

How much of the bottle did you drink?

[captain_by_the_book]

[ A delay on the other end as Cassian squints at the bottle and turns it this way and that way.

And after all that careful deliberation, his eloquent answer is]

lots

[reachnotflexibility]

[Somehow, Garrus isn't even surprised.]

Where are you? I'll come pick you up.

[He's not sure if he can even trust him to get in a cab if he's had that much.]

[captain_by_the_book]

Nooo

I'm partying!!

[reachnotflexibility]

[Of course he is.

Actually that doesn't sound like him. But drunk people do stupid things, so.

Maybe he can outwit the inebriated.]

What, without me? I'm hurt.

[captain_by_the_book]

your an alien

I dont party with aliens

[ Yeah. Doesn't sound like him at all. Sorry, Garrus, Cassian Andor ain't home right now. ]

[reachnotflexibility]

Wow, you're more drunk than I thought. Never knew severely drunk you was a racist.

[He's drunk, though, so nerd!Garrus isn't going to hold a grudge over it.]

Where's K2?

[His only hope is that his boyfriend is there to keep him from getting into too much trouble.]

[captain_by_the_book]

Droid kicked me out

I hope it gets scrapped!!!

[ This calls for a sad smiley, but Cassian hasn't been taught smileys. How sad :( ]

I'm not racist I'm ISB

[reachnotflexibility]

You don’t mean that. You’re going to feel bad about saying that in the morning.


What’s ISB?


[It’s alarming that Cassian is out alone when he’s like this. That’s really not safe! In between texts he’s calling all of the local bars to see if his drunk friend is currently occupying space there so he can pick him up, not partying with aliens be damned.


He’s going to have some strong words with Kay when this is all over.]

[captain_by_the_book]

Imperial Security Bureau

You only know the criminal

[ This is what happens when there's a universe where Cassian doesn't have Kay to keep him on the straight and narrow, Garrus. He makes terrible decisions. ]

[reachnotflexibility]

The criminal?

[Oh man, is still on this Imperial kick? Kay had mentioned it to him a few days ago but he had thought it would have been better by now.]

Have you been under too much stress at work, Cassian? Or did you hit your head? Maybe you should take a couple of days off. Just relax, hit a hot springs or a museum or something. Take some time for yourself. Your deputies can handle the place for a day or two, and I think it would be really good for you.

It's not a phase bro this is who I really am!

[captain_by_the_book]

You think you're funny but it's not

He suspended me and kicked me out! Haven't got a home but I have vodka itsgood


But he suspended me!!!

He's a droid he can't suspenf me

hahaha

[reachnotflexibility]

I think I'm funny? [What part of that was even a joke?]

[Did he even realize that the robot that booted him out technically works underneath him? Geez Louise he's a handful when he's like this.]

Come crash at my place. I have a spare room you can use for now. You can worry about him suspending you tomorrow.

[But shoot, he's going to need a better argument than that with Cassian like this.]

I have booze. [Not that Cassian can drink any of it, but hopefully he's too far gone to remember that.] And I can show you some of the weapons I've been working on in the morning. [Not tonight while he's still drunk. And probably not in the morning if he's still all weird. The last thing he needs is for him to shoot down Kay.] You still like guns, right?

[captain_by_the_book]

[ He is such a handful. Even regular Cassian is a handful when he's properly drunk. ]

Guns are nice

and so's booze

you have the swirly one?it's tasty like fruit and it has a tiny umbrella

[reachnotflexibility]

[Cassian you just named like seventeen thousand drinks.]

Let me check.

Yeah, got it.

[He only has a couple of non-dextro drinks for those rare times he has company (the only reason he has regular coffee at all), and neither of them are anything fruity or swirly.

He's lying through his teeth here and he has no regrets if it gets Cassian out of a bar at this point. Man's sloshed.]